The thing I first feel when I consider doubt is fear. Fear results for me when I doubt the big things. And sometimes I wonder if it causes the doubt too…
It’s scary to start questioning whether God is there, or whether anyone likes me, or whether my husband really cares, or whether I’ll ever become who I hope I’ll be.
Is it wrong to doubt?
For me, in these cases, it might be. Because it seems to come from a fear that I chose the wrong thing, or that I suck.
But is it wrong to wonder? Wonder comes from a curiosity, a patient inquisitiveness that doesn’t have too much riding on the answer.
When a sense of doubt enters my mind, my instant reaction is to change the subject, because it feels too big. And I’m afraid of the possibility that what I thought was true actually isn’t. But when I reframe it and just consider small possibilities, and just wonder, it’s not so big. And even with the biggest question of God’s existence, when I wonder the little things, the smaller pieces of that possibility, I realize that until reality stops being what it is and there’s absolutely no beauty in the world, I can’t get away from the truth that He is real.
It’s fine to ask, I think, and to wonder. But to allow doubt to convince us to throw away what we previously believed wholeheartedly – I think this is a grave error. That’s not to say we mustn’t struggle. But we must be patient.
I don’t know. Maybe all I’m saying is that we should pray. Maybe that’s all I should ever say.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
– James 1:5-8