Category Archives: scholarly attempts

Researching scholarly writings – the closest I get to doing “homework.”

on easter, really

This day is not tame, but dangerous. This is not about eggs or woodland creatures or lilies. It’s not about fancy dress or food. I think I’m used to rejoicing without knowing what I’m really doing. Celebrating Christ’s resurrection? Yes. Cheering for God’s victory over death, a lesser foe? Yes. Giving thanks that because of this I have life eternal? Of course.

Yet. I know people who have died. If I learned that they were not dead anymore, if I saw them living, my first reaction would not be rejoicing — that would have to come later. I would probably feel faint, sick, terrified, confused. Because something very not natural would be happening, and my response would be visceral. Just thinking about it now, I feel nervous in my body.

What are the implications, really, of the Resurrection? Doesn’t it tell us that something infinitely greater than death is at work? Doesn’t it demonstrate a supernatural power that is unnerving, unpredictable? Doesn’t it turn everything we know about reality upside down?

Doesn’t it threaten my illusion of control over my sphere of influence? There is a God I can’t reach, and about Whose actions I have no say. The Resurrection is a victory; it is also a challenge. It tells me that most of what I think is important is not. It disturbs my priorities. It threatens my comfort in my current existence and lifestyle. It commands me to put myself at Jesus’ feet, where I am no longer making unilateral decisions about anything in my life.

The Resurrection of Christ is more than the final tap that knocks over my throne — it’s an explosion of my throne, my lordship over my life laid to rest in pieces. Among those shards, may I bow to adore my risen Lord, Who rightfully asks everything of me.

This is dangerous. This is a change of allegiance that makes me a target for the world and Satan, who are jealous for my attention. When God says in Psalm 27, “Seek My face,” we should think of Jesus’ call to His disciples: “Follow Me.” He meant, “Leave everything else. I AM. Compared to Me, nothing else is anything.”

If Jesus lives, we’re left to reckon with what such a powerful God wants with us. Easter Sunday isn’t just a day to celebrate, and take off a Monday, and then go back to life as it was. It’s a day and then a season to be shattered, utterly transformed. To remember that, if you claim Christ as your Saviour, then that same God who lived incarnate on earth, foregoing the arrival He deserved, walking on foot in dust and weather, allowing His creatures — His children — to drive nails through Him and store His body, which hid His glory, inside a tomb — that same God now lives in you, walks beside you unseen, and rightfully bids you come and die, that you may live.

There’s nothing tame about this day. There’s nothing tame about this life, if you walk with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

When you say, “He is risen indeed,” you probably need to tremble a little. When God’s power acts, when His glory shines, it shakes everything. That should include us. Should make us nervous in our body, even.

Please don’t go forward without pausing here for as long as you can to be affected, to reckon with your life in light of Easter. What will fall away? What will you put to death? It’s time to cultivate integrity — to make your life and heart match what you say you believe.

True feasting, as laid out in Isaiah 55, looks like delighting in God alone, seeking Him alone, looking to Him alone to fill you. “Incline your ear, and come to Me; hear, that your soul may live…” Feast away, all of us. But proceed with true feasting, with glad and sincere hearts.

Rejoice, friends! Our glorious Lord is risen.

Alleluia!

May we never be the same.

two letters in advent

1.

I began the day by musing with God on His presence with me.

You are here now, as I write with a too-big marker and drink lukewarm coffee. You are near as this candle flickers – do You smell it? Do You like this smell? I love it.

You are with me as I try to breathe more deeply, as the sky lightens. You are keeping the world rotating so that the sun would rise today. You are right here, seeing me in my many failures and in Your image nonetheless. You are my greatest gift, everyone’s greatest gift.

With me as my body aches a little, as I still feel tired and not quite all awake. And what’s more, You know that feeling. You know the cheer a flame brings. And the sunrise – all these embodied things – because You came in a body. You went through human developmental stages for me. You felt physical pain. Did You get headaches? Did You lose anyone to Alzheimer’s? I can’t know, but I know that to be in a body is both wonderful and painful. You did it to save me.

You have not only saved my body from near death many times; You have brought back my soul from its dead, hardened state. So now even my body has hope to be made new one day. That day feel so far away, and truly I don’t know how soon or far it is. But because You came the once, I have hope for the second.

Because You took on flesh and died to redeem me and rose to crush the head of death, I have hope You will fulfill Your promise: to return in glory, to dwell with us once and for all, to wipe away every tear. You have justified me, You are making me anew, You will be the final, righteous Judge and create again. What a mystery this is. How far beyond my understanding.

2.

This is what I think it means for you and me and all of us…

And to think, the middle act of this neverending, cosmic epic began with the almighty, uncreated God of the infinite universe humbling Himself to be born. He did not spare Himself from anything but entered into bodily form in the messiest, lowliest way. And the first people to hear of it and adore Him were not kings, nor anyone powerful, but laborers working the night shift with livestock. People of no consequence.

The good Shepherd announced Himself to shepherds and identified Himself with them, conferring dignity on them that humans would not. That is what He has done – by creating us and by coming as a baby and by giving His life for ours – He has conferred on us a value so high no one on earth could ever pay for it.

This season of Advent and next of Christmas are monumental. It is hard to remember that, especially if we’re going along with the world’s distracting ways that make this time of year busy, expensive, exhausting, and stressful. I don’t know what’s doing that for you, but I have found myself distracted with plans and gifts – good things. But oh, how Satan can twist good things to draw us away from the Giver of good things.

I encourage you and me to step out of the current and into a slower space for a moment (as long as you possibly can) to soak it in:

The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. (John 1:14)

For us and for our salvation He came down from heaven. (Book of Common Prayer)

Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call His name Immanuel (which means, God with us). (Matthew 1:23)

And behold, I AM with you always, to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)

Friend. He. Is. With. You.

In traffic. In crazy stores full of hurrying. In late nights. On the computer, the phone. In deadlines. In bank accounts close to empty. On the side of the road with your flat tire. In the joy of the morning sky clearing to blue. In the loss of one you love. In ecstasy. In your anger. With all your friends together. Alone. In disappointment. When you receive the diagnosis. When your biopsy is clear. When your child is born. When your relationship ends. While you drink your coffee. When you cry. When you sleep. When your alarm goes off too early. When you mess up big time – again. When someone hurts you. When you sin. When you succeed. As you cook. As you fold clothes. While you wash your face. Every time you laugh.

There is not a moment He is absent. The psalmist asks God why He has forsaken him, why so far from saving (Psalm 22:1). This is often a real cry of our hearts (and of Jesus’ heart once). What does God say?

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. (Joshua 1:5)

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

Even in the next Psalm (23), we see: “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want….Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me…”

There is nowhere you are that the Shepherd is not.

Where shall I go from Your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there Your hand shall lead me,
    and Your right hand shall hold me. (Psalm 139:7-10)

When I hear God’s answer – that He is indeed here and is mighty to save – I want to respond like Job did.

I know that You can do all things,
    and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
    things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
    I will question you, and you make it known to Me.’
I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear,
    but now my eye sees You;
therefore I despise myself,
    and repent in dust and ashes. (Job 42:1-6)

Advent is a season for repenting and preparing. Christmas is exciting, magical even. Yet Christ did come so He could die. And He died because we were enemies of God who deserved to die. This is too wonderful for me –

This mercy.

This care.

This love.

In this last week before Christmas, let us confess our sin that our Lord came to overcome. Let us humble ourselves in awe of the majesty our humble King left behind to be like one of us. And let us place all our hope in Him for our salvation and new life.

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

on ubiquitous, inexorable grace

What do I deserve?

I have experienced healing, thanks be to God. Through medicine and God’s grace, I am no longer plagued, haunted by leukemia. Its possibility still lingers and will for some time, but for now I can rest in this, in being made well. What an amazing gift.

I have lived in fear these past eight months. When I have been in pain, especially, I have withdrawn most often from communion with God. I retreated into myself. Into nothing, really. And there was no joy. And I asked myself more than once whether I thought I deserved to be healed. I knew I didn’t. I knew that whatever came my way, God would be good and sovereign and holy and loving. But all I wanted was to be healed. I didn’t want to have to go through the gauntlet of treatment and infection, that cycle that wore me down. I didn’t want to go through the fire. I just wanted relief, always just relief, please, God. Just take this away.

Well. He has relieved me. But He has not left me alone; He is still working on me. We’re not done.

Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved… ¹

If He did, I couldn’t bear it. But He does give gifts, every day, some so ordinary we miss them altogether. He gave me sleep in the hospital. He gave me someone to catch me when I passed out there once. He gives me the pleasure of cold drinks and fruit. The presence of plants in my home to lift my spirits. But also, weakness in my body to remind me I rely on Him for everything. This is a hard verse: “Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”²

What I have seen as evil – hospital stays, blood draws, so many pills, swelling, headaches, cancer – God always is far above and His story is so great I can’t fathom it. From this “evil” I have experienced the greatness, the sweetness of the Church. I have met new friends and strengthened old friendships. I have seen my husband grow and rise to the occasion, and he is my hero. I have seen my family more than I would have. And these are only the results that I can observe; God knows so much more.

So I believe, though I don’t always like it, that all is grace, all is gift.

///

And now I must learn, just as before, to give thanks in all things. And to let go of what I think, even subconsciously, I deserve. Because I’m wrong. But God gives joy. I haven’t experienced consistent joy in so very long. If God gives it, how can this be?

My hard heart. My inward looking. My mind trying to escape reality. The reality is, we can find joy amidst pain. The joy is found, friend, not in relief but in Christ. Oh, this lesson has been nagging me for months, trying to get through my prideful walls. I can speak this truth, but even now to believe it requires me to let go… of control, fear, the clenching, grasping for what’s beyond the pain. It requires me to be. To rest in God’s presence, no matter what assails me.

A dear friend gave me a bracelet with a verse etched on: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” [Exodus 14:14] Yes. And when I know that all is grace, that God is always good, that I can trust Him to fight for me, I can rest at last. And give thanks for so many gifts. And in thankfulness, in letting go, the heart lightens and softens a little, and joy can come, even through tears. I have cried painful tears of surrender at times, fighting my will to deserve.

But He is able to withstand my hardness, my will, my fighting. He knows pain and He more than anyone deserved relief. But He forfeited it, and may I never forget. Christ, who deserves all surrender and praise, relinquished authority to evil people, separated from God in a way I have never been. He is not threatened by my will and my thanklessness.

Rather, He desires to give gifts and joy, to win over my heart, to fight for me. He would that I let go and be.

For in His presence there is fullness of joy.³

 

 

 

¹Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p. 178

²Job 2:10, ESV

³Psalm 16:11 ESV