Category Archives: how to be

Delving into God’s plan for us.

how to be … community in a wardrobe

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This is for those who are unsure about reaching out, reaching in. Who feel on the outside of church but aren’t sure about the inside either. And it’s a reminder to those who have stepped out, and it’s a reminder to those who have walked through. And it’s for me, to acknowledge to myself why church matters.

There are many reasons for engagement in community and the lives of others, but the one I’m thinking about today is that it is life to me. Rich, sweet life.

It looks tedious, having to commit and follow through, being inconvenienced, pushing through awkward stranger-ness, leaving the house (aka getting dressed). It looks tiring, giving time to others, serving, intentionally pursuing depth, praying for people. It can appear so much less, so ordinary, so basic. But step inside, and you find something bigger than what you saw. Something bigger on the inside. The gladness of rejoicing with those who rejoice. The gravity of weeping with those who weep. The miracles of healing, the growth of struggle. The character that blossoms as we set ourselves aside. The beauty of being loved, period. The opportunity to wash feet, and to intercede. The becoming our truest self, closer to and more like Jesus. The relief of being known. The strength from encouragement and from a common foundation and truth. The blessing of the pleasure of blessing. The joy of loving. The deep satisfaction of familiarity. The wonder of all this.

This is the great world that is the Church, my friends. It is heartbreak and glory, dust and beauty. It is the ideal banner of good news and the disappointment of the fall. It must be, if the earth is to know the Gospel. The Church, she is the gift of God. He gives rightly, and shall we not receive? We are God’s own, and Christ considered us worth everything. He has given us His Church, and I daresay she is worth it.

on ubiquitous, inexorable grace

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What do I deserve?

I have experienced healing, thanks be to God. Through medicine and God’s grace, I am no longer plagued, haunted by leukemia. Its possibility still lingers and will for some time, but for now I can rest in this, in being made well. What an amazing gift.

I have lived in fear these past eight months. When I have been in pain, especially, I have withdrawn most often from communion with God. I retreated into myself. Into nothing, really. And there was no joy. And I asked myself more than once whether I thought I deserved to be healed. I knew I didn’t. I knew that whatever came my way, God would be good and sovereign and holy and loving. But all I wanted was to be healed. I didn’t want to have to go through the gauntlet of treatment and infection, that cycle that wore me down. I didn’t want to go through the fire. I just wanted relief, always just relief, please, God. Just take this away.

Well. He has relieved me. But He has not left me alone; He is still working on me. We’re not done.

Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved… ¹

If He did, I couldn’t bear it. But He does give gifts, every day, some so ordinary we miss them altogether. He gave me sleep in the hospital. He gave me someone to catch me when I passed out there once. He gives me the pleasure of cold drinks and fruit. The presence of plants in my home to lift my spirits. But also, weakness in my body to remind me I rely on Him for everything. This is a hard verse: “Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”²

What I have seen as evil – hospital stays, blood draws, so many pills, swelling, headaches, cancer – God always is far above and His story is so great I can’t fathom it. From this “evil” I have experienced the greatness, the sweetness of the Church. I have met new friends and strengthened old friendships. I have seen my husband grow and rise to the occasion, and he is my hero. I have seen my family more than I would have. And these are only the results that I can observe; God knows so much more.

So I believe, though I don’t always like it, that all is grace, all is gift.

///

And now I must learn, just as before, to give thanks in all things. And to let go of what I think, even subconsciously, I deserve. Because I’m wrong. But God gives joy. I haven’t experienced consistent joy in so very long. If God gives it, how can this be?

My hard heart. My inward looking. My mind trying to escape reality. The reality is, we can find joy amidst pain. The joy is found, friend, not in relief but in Christ. Oh, this lesson has been nagging me for months, trying to get through my prideful walls. I can speak this truth, but even now to believe it requires me to let go… of control, fear, the clenching, grasping for what’s beyond the pain. It requires me to be. To rest in God’s presence, no matter what assails me.

A dear friend gave me a bracelet with a verse etched on: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” [Exodus 14:14] Yes. And when I know that all is grace, that God is always good, that I can trust Him to fight for me, I can rest at last. And give thanks for so many gifts. And in thankfulness, in letting go, the heart lightens and softens a little, and joy can come, even through tears. I have cried painful tears of surrender at times, fighting my will to deserve.

But He is able to withstand my hardness, my will, my fighting. He knows pain and He more than anyone deserved relief. But He forfeited it, and may I never forget. Christ, who deserves all surrender and praise, relinquished authority to evil people, separated from God in a way I have never been. He is not threatened by my will and my thanklessness.

Rather, He desires to give gifts and joy, to win over my heart, to fight for me. He would that I let go and be.

For in His presence there is fullness of joy.³

 

 

 

¹Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p. 178

²Job 2:10, ESV

³Psalm 16:11 ESV

how to be … healed

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I said a while ago that I want to write about God’s greatness and goodness. Then I wrote two posts lamenting my own experiences. I am realizing again and again one very important thing.

My body needs healing, but my heart has always needed it. As long as I’m alive, my heart will need mending and restoring. You don’t stop having issues with sin when you become gravely ill. In case you were wondering.

At first, I was so grateful for every little thing. But then I began to wonder who that person was and did I make her up? Because I started finding it very easy to be discontent with my circumstances. And that generally led to ungratefulness, which diminished joy. Which all went together with not seeking God.

So really, I’m not that different from who I was before cancer. I still am selfish. I still focus inward too much. I still fear, I’m still prideful, I still mis-prioritize my loves. I still deny God His lordship so often in my daily life. I still don’t consider His will, His calling for my every day. I still tend to think this day is mine, rather than a gift given, to be given back.

These ailments to me are becoming far more serious, and their cure far more desirable, than anything to do with leukemia. I want to be cured from my physical illness – oh, I can’t express how much I want it. And still, this other sort of illness seems very grave indeed. I want this sort of thing to be the business of my heart, to be what occupies my mind, more than my physical healing.

And I truly believe that the way for these priorities to be sorted is to fall on my face before God every day, to gaze upon Him and His beauty, to become enamored of Him. Because if He is my first love, I think things in my heart won’t help but shift to make room for Him.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple…You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Hide not your face from me. [Psalm 27:4, 8]

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” [Luke 10:38-42]

He is good, and deserving of all praise, and all my devotion.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. [Psalm 19:14]