a psalm of loss

See me here, O God.

Aching with true pain, my heart in darkness, my whole being clenched with this sorrow.

Is this not a mortal wound?

How long, O Lord? How long will I walk this road of grief?

When will You come?

Have mercy, O King, on Your servant, for I am weak and broken and have no power to stand.

My will is feeble and even my body has grown weary.

How is it, O Saviour, that You come not to destroy all evil, to rescue us from death and shadows?

Why must weeping overtake me, with no consolation? You are my hope, my Rescuer, yet I see no relief for my fractured soul.

Come near, O Father, and lift my head. Oh, that You would cradle me like a child, my shield from distress.

Yet I know You, Brother — You walk a path with me. Speak Your words to my heart; etch Your likeness into me.

How is it, O Companion, that You who rule all creation are with me?

How, that you are my breath, my heartbeat, my blood?

Even now, O Comforter, You remain. You, Spirit of God, will not depart from me.

You have made a home in me — o mystery!

Now make my home in You.

Though the world without be storms and fearsome memories, and my heart within me deeply rended, yet deeper still and ubiquitously, infinitely, You, O Life, have won the victory.

The heavens know it already and declare it while we are in shadow. You send a hint of it on the wind.

My God, I will wait all my days to see You.

on easter, really

This day is not tame, but dangerous. This is not about eggs or woodland creatures or lilies. It’s not about fancy dress or food. I think I’m used to rejoicing without knowing what I’m really doing. Celebrating Christ’s resurrection? Yes. Cheering for God’s victory over death, a lesser foe? Yes. Giving thanks that because of this I have life eternal? Of course.

Yet. I know people who have died. If I learned that they were not dead anymore, if I saw them living, my first reaction would not be rejoicing — that would have to come later. I would probably feel faint, sick, terrified, confused. Because something very not natural would be happening, and my response would be visceral. Just thinking about it now, I feel nervous in my body.

What are the implications, really, of the Resurrection? Doesn’t it tell us that something infinitely greater than death is at work? Doesn’t it demonstrate a supernatural power that is unnerving, unpredictable? Doesn’t it turn everything we know about reality upside down?

Doesn’t it threaten my illusion of control over my sphere of influence? There is a God I can’t reach, and about Whose actions I have no say. The Resurrection is a victory; it is also a challenge. It tells me that most of what I think is important is not. It disturbs my priorities. It threatens my comfort in my current existence and lifestyle. It commands me to put myself at Jesus’ feet, where I am no longer making unilateral decisions about anything in my life.

The Resurrection of Christ is more than the final tap that knocks over my throne — it’s an explosion of my throne, my lordship over my life laid to rest in pieces. Among those shards, may I bow to adore my risen Lord, Who rightfully asks everything of me.

This is dangerous. This is a change of allegiance that makes me a target for the world and Satan, who are jealous for my attention. When God says in Psalm 27, “Seek My face,” we should think of Jesus’ call to His disciples: “Follow Me.” He meant, “Leave everything else. I AM. Compared to Me, nothing else is anything.”

If Jesus lives, we’re left to reckon with what such a powerful God wants with us. Easter Sunday isn’t just a day to celebrate, and take off a Monday, and then go back to life as it was. It’s a day and then a season to be shattered, utterly transformed. To remember that, if you claim Christ as your Saviour, then that same God who lived incarnate on earth, foregoing the arrival He deserved, walking on foot in dust and weather, allowing His creatures — His children — to drive nails through Him and store His body, which hid His glory, inside a tomb — that same God now lives in you, walks beside you unseen, and rightfully bids you come and die, that you may live.

There’s nothing tame about this day. There’s nothing tame about this life, if you walk with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

When you say, “He is risen indeed,” you probably need to tremble a little. When God’s power acts, when His glory shines, it shakes everything. That should include us. Should make us nervous in our body, even.

Please don’t go forward without pausing here for as long as you can to be affected, to reckon with your life in light of Easter. What will fall away? What will you put to death? It’s time to cultivate integrity — to make your life and heart match what you say you believe.

True feasting, as laid out in Isaiah 55, looks like delighting in God alone, seeking Him alone, looking to Him alone to fill you. “Incline your ear, and come to Me; hear, that your soul may live…” Feast away, all of us. But proceed with true feasting, with glad and sincere hearts.

Rejoice, friends! Our glorious Lord is risen.

Alleluia!

May we never be the same.

on peace in Lent / Lent 1

I read Romans 5, in which Paul repeats himself a bit; I grew tired of reading the same concept over again. Noticing this, I finished the chapter and asked myself and God, what can I learn here? Friend, God will answer that question when you ask it.

God gave the law and grace. In so doing, He shows Himself the only righteous one, and greatly merciful.

And let me not forget: to accomplish this, Jesus faced death for me.

Let me understand the magnitude of this. It is vast and overwhelming, and fit to break me with the weight of it, even as His glory breaks me with its purity and bright beauty. Yet both — the Saviour’s death of mercy and His terrifying glory — lighten me, raise my heart to hopefulness. It is all more than I can bear, so He does it for me.

As He carried the cross, He bore the load of mine and every soul He saves. Only God, only Almighty God, can sustain such a heavy burden. He bears me and bears with me every day, every moment. What staggering grace is this.

It’s enough to shame me, except that He loves me and in such perfect love no shame can stand. So I have no choice, it seems, but to walk in knowledge and acceptance that I needed Christ’s death and am entirely, irrevocably, inexorably loved.

I have nothing to offer God and nothing to prove to Him. He indeed has done all the proving.

Peace with God, ah! what greater gift could there be?