Today I turn 32. WHAT.

Honestly, at this point it’s mostly just weird. I find it hard to fathom time. If I think too deeply about it, I might grow depressed – only because it all feels too big and hard to understand. I guess it’s a little sad, because I’m that much closer to death, and I wish we had more/older kids by now, and I feel my body being unhappy.

On the other hand, I’m that much closer to my cancer cure date, death means being with God, I have more life experience now as a parent, and our marriage is more solid since we’ve had this forced parental delay.

Age, like any change and transition, means both loss and gain. Grief for sure, and then newness. More discovery, deeper understanding, greater perspective. It means I’ve had more time to spend with Jesus. Also, we’re that much closer to our kids being out of the house, our retirement, and more; apparently internally I’m a much older person. There’s a lot of good stuff that comes with the passage of time.

The sky is now hidden as rainclouds have moved in. Things are changing all the time. When the rain starts I miss the sun. When the sun shines I miss the clouds. I can welcome the rain and then tire of it again. I am constantly grieving change and longing for it. This tension hurts sometimes, this tug at my heart.

I love this world, yet I’m weary of it. I don’t want to leave it, but it just isn’t satisfying. It’s not enough. Only in You can I rest. And You – You are unchanging, always the same forever.

“You cannot change, yet You change everything.” (All Sons & Daughters)

The everlasting arms, the utter foundation of all that exists, of reality. Talk about something hard to fathom. You are fullness; there can never be more than You. Nothing can alter who You are, and no one can make You do anything.

Only in You can I rest, Father. Only in You, Christ, can my tensions resolve – You who are God and man, who used death to defeat itself. Only in You, Spirit, can my grief be comforted and my eyes lifted to beyond myself and my heart resurrected.

Turning 32 without You would be a wholly different experience from what it is; You number my days and determine when it rains. With my life literally in Your hands, every next year matters little as a number. Where I stay is every next moment in Your company.

What else is there? You are Life.